Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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