she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
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