would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
