I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize