oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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