Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize