you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
