remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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