i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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