After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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