omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
