Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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