my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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