Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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