I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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