If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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