Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
