If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sober January is a disaster.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
