I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
