if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
