mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize