Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
