My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
