the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
