she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
