this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
