You smell like stripper and shame
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
