I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
