she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize