I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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