Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
