You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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