If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
