Pants 0. Shit 1.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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