I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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