My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize