That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize