I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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