I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
