Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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