She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
