I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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