did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize