I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
