my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize