Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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