i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
