I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
