i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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