i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize