I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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