THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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