You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
