I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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