So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
