man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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