Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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