I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
