i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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