I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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