Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
