I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
