i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
