Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize