the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
