it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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