I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
