pop tarts are not kleenex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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