oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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