My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
