if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
