My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
