I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
